MOVIES: 27 Dresses

This one... too long. Can't remember everything that happened. I give up.

I am alone in London. I live with my ex. We’re roommates. He has a nice, sane girlfriend. I have a bunch of supplement bottles scattered around my room to fix whatever's wrong with me. Blu was visiting and now she went to New York and I’m sad because I don’t know how to be alone. I almost went to NY, but I didn’t. And now I regret it. I could be watching a romcom on a plane right now on my way to see half my favorite people on this earth (the other half are in LA, we’re all bad people). I am isolated. Sober. Celibate. I had therapy and I told Kim the Therapist I miss the dopamine rushes, “I need some dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, one of those chemicals, please.” She suggested I sit with the uncomfortable feeling and tap into it, feeling the empty space that I’m not filling with booze or drugs or dick or love. So I went and bought some Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream. Yes, it's still attempting to fill the void, but the only real consequences are that it’s making me fat and breakout because I’m probably lactose intolerant. So I answered some of my friend's calls. And per usual they lamented to me about whatever non issues they’re having in their exciting love lives while I was trying to find a way to get back on Feeld after being banned. Frank told me to watch Crazy Stupid Love. Nasa (my friend, not the government space agency) told me to watch 27 Dresses. I looked it up and the runtimes are all 2 hours. I can’t believe a romcom is 2 hours long. These were made for flights. I should be on a flight right now. But instead, I’m here watching 27 Dresses, here’s what I gathered:

Ok so baby Katherine Heigl is 8 years old and her cousin is getting married (her cousin is not 8) and shes lovin’ it even though her mom just died and her dad looks like he's prob been hitting the booze pretty hard. Her cousin who is like 25 years older than her rips her dress and baby Katherine Heigl fixes the dress so she decides her passion in life is helping people with weddings ( kinda a pathetic dream, but ok). She compares herself to Picasso and Mozart for some reason. So then she’s being a bunch of bitches bridesmaids cuz she basically is like a free wedding planner so i doubt they even like her on a personal level. It's some weird OCD addiction shit she has going on. Also the taxi driver who's driving her to like 1000 weddings in a night and keeps watching her change and she's like “no siree no lookin at my titties that'll cost you”. She cant stop going to these fucking weddings. I think it would’ve be cooler if she was an alcoholic and going to the weddings for the free booze. Maybe she’s addicted to the validation the bride briefly gives her when they say omg katherine heigl thanks for doing evvvverything for freeeeee. Then she falls and hits her head cuz she’s had a few too many and James Marsden who i guess people think is sexy but i think is punchable is like “im gonna save you” and takes her in a cab and tells her i saw u changing and ur thong was hot. Then they are rude to each other cuz they don't agree on if weddings are cool or not cuz he’s a hipster i guess and doesn't beLiEvE in mArRiage. 

so this bitch is way too obsessed with weddings and is even reading news stories about weddings and needs to go to SLAA or some 12 step meeting, not sure which. Maybe my strange addictions TLC show?

So she left her planner in the cab she shared with James MArsden and he sees this basically serial killer-esque journal of creepy wedding shit and he finds it endearing? Ok. 

His pervy friend is like go fuck some brides to be cuz they wont call u and ask to hang out and bother you.

Jan from the Office is his boss and guess what? He’s in charge of the weddings section of the newspaper and he's like “jan from the office i have a great idea” and she’s like “what” and he’s like “im gonna do an expose on this loser bitch katherine heigl who goes to every wedding” and she’s like “ok sounds gay but whatever.”

also he clearly wants to fuck katherine heigl and begins stalking her and sending her flowers. But Katherine Heigl is so in love with her boring boss George. Idk what her job is, something to do with weddings probably. But she’s down bad cuz George won’t sexually harass her. 

Wah wah.

So her slutty sister comes to town and im like FINALLY, cuz at this point i think Katherine Heigl must be a virgin. And they’re at this club and she’s about to go tell her boss how she feels but then he sees Slutty Sister and they fall in love. And we’re supposed to hate the sister even though Katherine Heigl never told her about how she feels?

And then there is a very dark insomnia montage where she’s doing sit ups and deep cleaning her oven and talking to herself out loud while Valerie by Amy Winehouse plays.

So the sister is like “tell me about George I want him to love me” and katherine heigl is like he’s a vegetarian and climbs mountains (I know horrible and lame).

So the sister decides to be a vegetarian and morphs her personality so he thinks they’re soulmates, and it works and he proposes to her. And she’s going to wear the dead mom’s dress and have the wedding Katherine Heigl wants but is too much of a little bitch to go get. 

Meanwhile, James Marsden is still stalking her and sending her bouquets and he interviews her about being a bridesmaid and he starts thinking there is more to her because she’s depressed that no one wants to marry her I guess? (This is really where romcoms ruined us, telling us a man will find it endearing to be so outwardly pathetic, do it in private ladies, on the shower floor) 

So there’s a montage of all her dresses and he takes pics and I think there are some flashbacks of the weddings and it's like mildly racist. 

So James Marsden and Katherine Heigl get drunk and sing Bennie and the Jets and they fuck in her car and then in the morning she’s like i dont remember anything and he’s like “you kept telling me how you never do this”…. And it’s fucking weird and then they’re at a diner and someone points at her and says “oh you’re the lame sad lady from the paper” and she’s like “what” and they give her the newspaper and there is James Marsden’s exposé on this pathetic woman and oh boy is she down bad then.

So she gets upset and i forget what happened at this point because this movie is so fucking long and has way too much going on, but she decides to ruin her slutty sisters wedding because slutty sister is a bad person and hired the MExican kid as a maid that George is a “big brother” to through that charity program. So she makes the kid make a speech. And then she has a slideshow of her sister being a bitch to dogs. And then George is like bye. And she ruined the whole day, and everyone tells her KAtherine HEigl that was so horrible why would you do that ? except… James Marsden! He said it was bad ass, cuz i guess he’s a psychopath or a liar? But she’s done with him so it doesnt matter. Then she goes to work and George finally sexually harasses her and they kiss and she’s like eh im not that into it now and hes like yeah that kiss sucked. And he tells her his favorite thing about her is that she doesn’t know how to say no?! Which i guess was the most honest thing a man has ever said. And she’s like “ok i quit cuz i dont wanna fuck you now”.

So then she makes some gesture to win James Marsden back and then they’re getting married. Oh and her and her slutty sister make up. No idea why, if I were slutty sister id go fuck james marsden to get back at her. So the movie ends on James Marsden and Katherine Heigl’s wedding. All is forgiven even though slutty sister is poor and lonely now. But George shows up and is like flirting with her again so I guess they’re gonna get back together or he’ll just fuck her later prob.

So they get married and guess what? All those brides she was bridesmaids with for are there in the bridesmaid dresses, even the ones she was racist to!!! they seem like complete strangers to her. but yeah. the end. That’s the movie.

I hated this 27 dresses movie and didnt watch it on a plane so sorry this review isnt as INCREDIBLE as my last one. Im sure ill be angry on a plane soon enough again, and ill write the best synopsis you'll ever hear for an even worse movie. Also, my dad asked if he could read my substack and i said ok but the grammar is bad cuz that’s the style and maybe sometimes i’ll talk about my sex life so he said nevermind.

Perla told me pls use pic from one of the racist scenes