MOVIES: Bride Wars

I stole a cat for the night and we watched a rom com. also, i didn't read this over even once.

So bad news, my dad read my last Substack. He subscribed and didn’t realize he had subscribed so when he got the email, he thought I had written a direct email to him with some kind of unhinged 27 Dresses themed suicide note. 

He called me in a panic, worried about my wellbeing, and I walked him through the process.

“But you sound so depressed!”

“I am depressed, Dad. But actually less depressed than usual- just lonely and sober.”

“Okay, phew.”

So knowing he is technologically challenged and probably reading this in his Yahoo email inbox right now, hi Dad! I’m going to complain about a romcom I just watched now. 

But before I do, I guess I should talk a bit about what’s going on with me because one of you commented “I like the part when you talk about your life.”

Wanna hear about my life? I’ve been with my friend Zoe almost everyday here in London because I am codependent. She likes to go to sleep with Gossip Girl or an anime film playing, I like to sleep in complete silence in pitch black. So the sleeping arrangement is not ideal, but it’s nice when we wake up in the morning and exchange stories about our dreams.

I had a dream Osama Bin Laden was beheading a child on a school bus but I was in the parking lot and didn’t have a gun so I couldn’t help. 

Oh no. Mine was about beating the shit out of a girl at a music festival I snuck into and everyone was mad at me.

And then we get up and wash our faces and she teaches me how to massage my face so I can look young forever. We go get matcha lattes and tell each other we’re doing super well. We go our separate ways. She designs beautiful clothing and I write jokes and stories about sex and love.

Later, I was walking to pick up some Thai food around the corner from my house. I was on FaceTime with Perla (because again, I’m codependent). I was bragging about how grown up and independent I have become, about how I am cured from my love addiction. Suddenly I was interrupted by a cat who started screaming at me. I looked up, and there he was, sitting on the brick wall outside of my flat.

“What?” I asked him. He answered me with more pitiful meows and whines. Perla started laughing and screenshotting pictures of me talking to this cat.

“Do you want to come with me?”

I guess he said yes because he started following me. He followed me into the building and up 3 sets of stairs.

“I’m going to have a sleepover with this cat,” I told Perla as we said goodbye.

I picked him up and he was wet and cold. I wrapped him in a towel and looked at the tag on his collar to call his owners. It read:

NOT HOMELESS, JUST WANDERING…

The other side read:

CAT

I told all of my friends I found a cat. There was a mix response of “put him back” and “he chose you.”

We got cozy in bed, I told him about my Substack. He purred. The thought crossed my mind that I might get attached and it would be hard to let him go in the morning. I told myself I could handle it. Maybe it would even be good practice. I’m becoming an expert on heartbreak and bittersweet goodbyes now.

I opened HBO and looked, Bride Wars looked like it would piss me off. So I put it on. Here’s what happens in the 2009 romcom:

mentally ill little girls playing wedding and are obsessed with the plaza cuz their boring mom's brought them there and i guess they're being neglected because they think they'll be complete once they have their weddings

cut to anne hathaway and kate hudson are at their friends wedding insulting it and how much better theirs will be, also all the women hate each other

and young chris pratt is in it and he's dating anne hathaway and kate hudsons dating some other date rapey-frat guy

so anne hathaway and kate hudson are codependent besties which is pretty relatable and i like that about them and they're together all the time except when kate hudson is at her high powered lawyer job 

and anne hathaway is an elementary school teacher in a low cut dress and with her cleavage out at work and i was too distracted by her tits to know what happened during that scene

then kate hudson is giving anne hathaway expensive clothes and being a nice bff and then they find a TIFFANY BOX OMG date rape frat boy is gonna propose ?! so they go to a bar with their friends and get drunk and kate hudhson brotner who looks just like every other man in the movie shows up and then kate hudson's sad outside cuz her parents are dead so they won't get to see her get married (she still hasn't been proposed to yet)

and then chris pratt and anne hathaway are sitting on the couch and she opens a fortune cookie and SURPRISE it's an engagement ring stuffed in there 

so she calls all the girlies and they're all down bad that she's engaged and there is a montage of them taking pills and microwaving ben and jerry's  

and then they're jogging in central park and anne hathaway is like i'm going to get the plaza for the wedding and kate hudson is like FUCK i'm gonna go yell at date rape frat guy and she runs into his office and i realize he's actually Kevin from Shameless! and she's like marry me NOW and he's like “ok impatient bitch” and he whips out an even bigger ring and then she's engaged too. 

i was once engaged

anyway they meet with Candice Bergen who is also the narrator and a wedding planner and i guess all the bitches who are obsessed with weddings are fans of her and she's kinda creepy and makes them sign some contracts and they get dates in june and don't discuss it with their cheesy vanilla fiancés 

at this point we’re all thinking how it would be cool if they lezzed out and left the men.

but then uh oh candice bergen calls them back and tells them their weddings are on the same date 

so they stalk and harass this other woman who has a date they want and there's a lame fight scene in a department store. no one even hits anyone they just push and shove a little bit. lame and weak

so they're like one of us can't get married at the plaza and it's not gonna be me kate hudson says cuz my childhood sucked and anne hathaway says it's not gonna be me either

honestly the plaza is kinda mid and they need to get over it 

so then kevin from shameless and chris pratt are like LETS DO DOUBLE WEDDING and so they call each other and have the best convo in the film and are like “the girls haven't spoken in a week that's a century in girl years”  “they picked the wrong time to let the guy know you're crazy that's not how i'd play it” (prob exactly how you should play it, chris pratt) 

so then they have a screaming match and anne hathaway brings up how fat kate hudson was in high school and oh BOY does that that trigger her eating disorder

so they’re doing mean shit to each other like kate hudson switches the color of anne hathaway’s spray tan so she comes out orange and anne hathaway makes kate hudson’s hair blue

the best prank for sure tho is kate hudson keeps getting these butter cookie candy snacks delivered to her office and she thinks theyre from kevin from shameless but guess what? its anne hathaway making her too fat for her dress!!! “you don’t alter vera wang for you, you alter you for vera wang” pre 2015 romcoms love fat jokes. this movie had about 30. might need to rewatch just to count.

also these women simultaneously have no friends at all and more friends than anyone ever. they have these extras in scenes who are supposed to be their friends, anne hathaway gets sent a shit load of gifts from friends when kate hudson spreads a rumor shes prego, but also neither of them can find anyone to be their bridesmaid so anne hathaway has to bribe her rude coworker and kate hudson has to make her gay assistant do it.

and kate hudson is having what looks like the lamest bachelorette party of all time at a male strip club with 3 of the friends who i think were in the montage where they’re microwaving icecream and taking xanax and cutting themselves and the stripper gets her on stage but then anne hathaway shows up drunk and gets on stage and wins the dance off and that makes her real upset cuz she doesn’t like losing

so basically kate hudson is now a blue haired fat piece of shit who cant fit into her dress but now she’s crying more and gets kicked off a big legal case cuz her hair is blue, even though she wrapped it in her shirt and her bra and titties are out?? the blue hair falls out and THAT’s the final straw for the old man lawyers. but kevin from shameless is showing us how sweet he is which is nice cuz i think we as the audience like kate hudson slightly more than anne hathaway or maybe we aren’t supposed to? not sure but let me know. kinda like them both at this point though

but anne hathaway is orange and getting more angry and isnt the sweet boring girl chris pratt fell in love with and oh boy is he mad about it and says some stuff that is sexist and bad about not being able to control her and how she has a personality now and he doesn’t like it but also who can blame him if they’ve been together for 10 years and she only just now decided to be cool and insane i guess

at one point kate hudsons brother meets up with anne hathaway for help with his tux or something and we can tell they’re gonna fuck later cuz hes nicer than chris pratt. but he’s barely in the movie besides that. he could literally be the worst person in the world but since he was nice to her in one scene we as the audience are like FUCK THAT MAN RIGHT NOW (this is also where romcoms ruined society)

so then they’re both miserable and about to get married at the plaza at the same time and anne hathaway’s dad comes and tells kate hudson her dead parents would be soooooo proud of her and it’s a weird exchange i can’t tell if the acting was bad or if there was sexual chemistry or what

so then she’s like “oh wait gay assistant who i am making be my maid of honor, please go switch the DVD back that i switched when i was pulling pranks cuz maybe its too far” and he pretends to do it but doesn’t

so they’re about to walk down their respective aisles and they look at each other and smile and are gonna cry and we’re like cmon guys just kiss and ditch your boring frat boy fiances but unfortunately they dont and they walk down the aisle and the DVD plays of anne hathaway being a fun slut at spring break so she runs into kate hudsons wedding and attacks her

and then chris pratt is like ok im so done with you you’re a crazy bitch and you ruined our wedding and this part i really loved because anne hathaway kinda flips it and acts like she’s breaking up with him even though hes clearly dumping her and she’s like “im not the girl you fell in love with, i changed so i cant do this” honestly genius and i took mental notes to do that next time im dumped

and then kate hudson is like im so sorry and anne hathaway is like no im sorry and fuck that guy and then they follow through with her wedding and its all happy and all is forgiven.

then we cut to the future, prob like a couple months later and anne hathaway has already fucked and married kate hudson’s brother and they’re laughing about it and then they’re like let’s get drunk oh wait i cant cuz im pregnant, and they find out theyre both pregnant and have the same due date and they scream.

perfect set up for a sequel “birth wars” unfortunately i dont think it ever got made.

ok so tbh this romcom i liked much more than the others because even though its unrealistic and insane. the point of the story is men are boring and lame and replaceable but your bffs are the best even if they’re mentally ill.

PS Cat the cat woke me up at 3 am and said let me leave pls so i walked him outside. there was a fox and i said “aren’t you scared?” and i think he said no because he kept walking. i followed him barefoot in my pjs in the cold night in London until he disappeared and then i went back to my flat and couldn’t fall asleep til 6:30 am.