MOVIES: Eat, Pray, Love

I watched the romance film on my last plane journey and was told I have a gift for storytelling. Now I am a film critic.

I woke up at 7 AM today in a Hotel in Paris. Blu was sleeping next to me. We had been there for a few days but I had to catch the Eurostar back to London for a class that ended up being cancelled anyway. I had been going out every night with Alana and Blu as they got drunk and flirted with 20 year old male models. I just sat there in the corner- sober, bloated, and angry. I am late on my period and I feel hormonal, but not horny. It’s the first time in years I have been so unhorny. There’s a freedom to this anger, that it’s not tied to sex in anyway. I watched my beautiful friends have fun and told them I was going back to the hotel. They’d beg, “please stay!” I don’t know why they wanted me there so badly, but it was sweet so I tried. Both of them were finding freedom from their exes. It was like Eat Pray Love but with manic depression. We had a picnic on a child’s sheet near the Eiffel Tower and I told them the entire plot of the film since I watched it on the plane from New York,

“and then Julia Roberts leaves her husband cuz she’s a selfish bitch and then she starts fucking James Franco who they call the ‘Yogi of Yonkers’ and is a Hare Krishna so he’s like ‘well we can stay together and be miserable if you want’ and she’s like, ‘I’m going to Italy and India and Bali bye.’ And she tells her friend Viola Davis who seems to be changing a baby’s diaper in every scene and Julia Roberts never asks her a single question and it’s all about her life and her problems. And then she’s in Italy and she eats a lot and then there’s a scene where she’s at a restaurant with her blonde friend and they talk about how fat they are but Julia Roberts performs this monologue and says ‘I don’t care that we’re fat now cuz men still want to fuck us’ and I guess it was super inspiring cuz then her blonde friend’s like ‘okay let’s eat the pizza’. And then there’s a montage of them not being able to fit into size 0 jeans and they’re laughing about their body dysmorphia and the music is happy. And then she emails the Yogi of Yonkers again (which made me want to email some ex lovers). Then she goes to India and she’s like ‘woah India is not as fun as Italy and kinda depressing and where are all the hotties?’ And she’s staying at this temple and scrubbing the floors and she befriends this young woman who is like ‘ohhh I don’t want to arrange marry and I have to get married to this guy I don’t know soon and it’s scary and I want to go to school.’ And Julia Roberts is a narcissist so she’s like ‘let me tell you about how I ruined my marriage and maybe it’ll comfort you.’ And then she’s trying to meditate but she can’t cuz she just can’t stop thinking about decorating! Richard Jenkins is also meditating at the temple and he’s been there for a while but he calls her some nickname like snacks or napkins or something because she’s such a fat piece of shit and keeps eating the food. And she does not like him one bit (and no they aren’t gonna fuck cuz he’s old and this is a PG-13 rom com). So yeah, she does not like Richard Jenkins one bit because he keeps calling her out on being the selfish spoiled brat/slut that she is but then he says something that makes her laugh and then I guess she likes him and they’re best friends. Then she’s at the arranged marriage wedding for that poor girl and even though Julia Roberts is rich (not sure how, seems like she’s just a blogger from New York, don’t know how she maintains this insane lifestyle and pays rent in her gorgeous NY apartment, and a divorce lawyer, but I also wasn’t really paying attention at the beginning so maybe she comes from money or something) anyway, even though she’s rich she’s like ‘hey forced bride, I couldn’t think of what to get you so guess what I got you’ and she’s like ‘what’ and she’s like ‘I’ve dedicated my meditation sessions and prayers to you and I’ve been manifesting your future’ and this poor girl is like ‘haha thank you’, and maybe really appreciated it but I couldn’t tell because I was so up in arms about that. And she’s like ‘Julia Roberts, will my life be horrible what have your visions been showing you?’ And it really seemed like a good time for her to tell her to go to school and follow her dreams but then she’s like ’your nerd husband is fine and you guys are going to grow old together’ and the bride listens disappointedly and then Julia Roberts starts talking about her own wedding and how emotional this day is for her to the teenager being forced to marry who listens kindly. And we see a flashback to her wedding and her husband is pretty cringe and vanilla so I guess that’s why she left him. So then she’s back and she’s meditating for 4 minutes and she goes to the market with her bff Richard Jenkins who we know nothing about since he’s not the main character and he’s giving her advice and then he gets really emotional next to a statue because she’s like well we know what trauma brought ME here what trauma brought YOU here and he’s like I almost killed my son when I got too drunk and drove home and he was playing in the driveway so my wife took the kids and left me. And he’s crying and the acting was pretty good and made me a bit emotional until he said the son didn’t actually die and is now 18 and I thought wow that wife is pretty dramatic for leaving him when he didn’t even kill the son. But then Julia Roberts gives some horrible piece of advice and I guess he decides to go back to America. And then she decides to do a vow of silence and we as the audience are like thank god but then the temple says no no you have to be the tour guide and she decides vows of silence aren’t for main characters. And then she’s in Bali and she goes back to this old monk guy who I guess she visited at the beginning and he told her to come back and see him in a year, I wasn’t fully paying attention at that point because my neighbor on the plane accidentally grazed my thigh and I disassociated. So she starts sitting with this monk in Bali who tells her to get up every morning and meditate and then go enjoy the day and then come back and listen to him and he basically just gives her a schedule. And his no nonsense assistant or sidekick lady or whatever is always saying something bitchy to Julia Roberts but she just laughs it off cuz she’s rich. So she starts to finally be happy and realize she doesn’t need her vanilla husband or Yonker Yogi or any man for that matter because the monk told her that she has to have a balance in life. And she becomes obsessed with that balance and then Javier Bardem is driving a Jeep and almost kills her but doesn’t because it’s a romcom and she is pissed off and doesn’t even notice he’s hot because there is blood gushing from her leg. So she goes to a healing lady who gives her some herbs and her little daughter is there and they tell her about how they had to leave the abusive father and have no money now because of laws in Bali. Julia Roberts is very upset about this but then this hot Brazilian lady comes in and invites her to a party. And then she’s at the party getting drunk and guess who she sits next to? Javier Bardem! And he’s trying to hit on her but no she will not have any of it so she goes and dances with a blonde Australian guy in a drum circle and then they’re gonna go fuck on the beach and she’s like ‘what am I doing’ and starts laughing at his naked body which was pretty fucked up. And then Javier Bardem drives her home and he starts courting her (I guess it would be stalking if he wasn’t hot) cuz the next morning he brings her some dirt water for her hangover. And he answers a phone call from his son who is college who is like ‘woah are you with a girl? Did you fuck last night? You haven’t fucked anyone since Mom!’ and it’s a really weird conversation but I guess it’s supposed to be endearing. And then the monk and his sassy sidekick see Javier and are like ‘damn he’s hot go for it’ so she’s like okay and accepts the date but then I guess basically moves in with him. And they’re fucking a lot and falling in love so she isn’t meditating as much which is when I really started to identify with the character and made a mental note to continue going to SLAA meetings. And then she remembers the lady and her daughter so she goes on her blog which I guess everyone in Greenwich Village reads and says ‘as you all know it’s almost my birthday and normally you’d be buying me expensive gifts but this year I’d like for you to buy this mother and her daughter a house’ and then she gets $18,000 and buys them a house. And then Javier Bardem is so in love with her and attached probably because they’ve been spending every minute together in paradise eating and fucking and he rents this boat to take her to an island before she goes back to New York and he’s like ‘I want to make this work, we can split our time between Bali and New York since we’re both rich it’s not a problem.’ And she’s like ‘I can’t go on this boat how dare you what about balance, the monk told me about balance’ and he’s pissed off and says something mean that I can’t remember but then she goes back to the monk and she’s depressed for a few days and then ‘she’s like did I do the right thing?’ And the monk is like ‘fuck no you did not do the right thing you ruin everything and now this hot rich guy wants to live with you in Bali and New York and you just ruined it’ (he didn’t say it like this but this is what he implied) and she’s like oh no you’re right and she breaks into Javier Bardem’s house and leaves a note to meet her at the pier, because I guess there’s only a limited amount of time before her flight. So he meets her at the pier and she’s like I’m sorry and they go on the boat and presumably live happily ever after, and I think she probably missed her flight.”

Blu & Alana are the Julia Roberts and I’m just a supporting character. I was going to say I’m the blonde friend she meets up with in Italy, but she was fucking her hot Italian tutor. So really I’m Richard Jenkins after he almost runs over his kid while he’s drunk driving and moves to India to find peace.

 

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